Here’s a beautiful Story about a couple who Dated for 8 YEARS WITHOUT SEX… Life Coach, Solomon Buchi Bartholomew had an Exclusive chat with the bride, Omobolanle Adeyemo on his Facebook Timeline
Take your time and read… Remember, you read it First Here!
Good. Great having you Omobolanle Adeyemo. So kindly let us know you better. Briefly introduce yourself.
My name is Omobolanle Adeyemo. Although I am now Omobolanle Awoyemi. Popularly called ‘Omoby’ by family and friends.
Omoby was the name given to me from birth by my family, more of my dad, to distinguish his name from mine. He’s Omobolanle as well.
I trained as a Quantity Surveyor and hold two degrees in similar fields, but beyond the construction industry, I enjoy counselling in the areas of Relationships and Careers. My focus is to help youth maximise their purpose to succeed and achieve their dreams. I also help youth debunk all myth about fears to help them live their dreams. I am a total abstinence advocate and believe in youths keeping themselves sexually pure…until Marriage.
I am 29 years old, currently on my doctorate degree, the last girl, in the family of four. I enjoy writing, teaching and reading. I am a shoe fetish! I love books as well. You don’t ever borrow my books without returning them. I’d chase you, hunt you, until I find you!
You got married last month after an eight years dating relationship without sex. I was supposed to be in your wedding but you know I couldn’t make it.
The first question I’ll like to ask you is; How did you meet him? What attracted you to him? When?
Well, we were classmates, level mates and all that. He was the extremely intelligent one in class. Always topping the class in tests and exams and I was like, it wouldn’t be bad to have this guy as a friend o. Nothing personal. I just wanted him to be a friend because the guy is damn good, especially that I had dreams of graduating with a first class. Lol, I wish!
On his own while, he saw this slim, smart and beautiful babe, me and was crushing on her. He came to introduce himself to me which I can’t even remember. I just knew we became friends somehow. Then when I moved to my own apartment which was so close to his house, he told me that was one of his best days. He’d teach me difficult modules, help me with stuff and was generally a good friend.
It was in our Part three in University, he asked me out. Took me 6 months or thereabout to give my consent. I like that he didn’t pressure me. He left me alone to make my choice. He’s smart and confident like that.
I gave my consent to start a relationship with him because we shared same values: sexual and all. I saw him as focused, ambitious and reasonable. I wanted somebody who would not pressure me for sex, a well self-controlled man. Specifically, I desired to do it first and last. I didn’t like all the heartbreaks I saw my sisters and friends go through. Ha! It brought tears and heartaches. To God be the glory, I got that! I am his first and he’s mine as well. ? ?
We were successfully able to combine academics and our relationship. In class, we were classmates. Outside, we were lovers :p ;). He graduated with a First Class Honours as the best in the department and Faculty while I was rated the most improved student who rose from a Third Class Grade to a Second Class Upper Division. We were the talk of Uni. Everyone wanted to know how we did it. Lecturers used us as great examples (even though some of them were skeptical at the onset). Younger ones wanted to know how we successfully combined both without one or both falling apart. I’d say, we were focused. We helped eachother a lot. He was the one doing more of the helping though because he’s the smarter one who grabs things faster.
What attracted me to him?
1. He had godly values that aligned with mine. I was not ready to compromise on some of them. When I discovered through friendship with him that our values clicked, the attraction spurred.
2. I desired a guy smarter or as smart as me. As said earlier, he was always helping me out with modules. I like that he was just always there to help. I didn’t want a guy who would dim my shine.
3. He studied me. There’s a part of me which people hardly get to know. He discovered that I often wrote out my feelings in journals. Such a sacred book nobody was allowed to read. He was able to penetrate through.
4. I like that he knew where he was heading and took action steps towards them. He knew what job he could take and not take, he knew where he wanted to be in few years and he was very proactive about his life.
5. He possessed good fruits that spoke everywhere he went. Nobody had a bad thing to say about him. I investigated. Because we were classmates though, our friends were mutual, notwithstanding, every one had a good thing to say about him. Friends attested to his character and person. Then when my sisters met him, they said I had made a good choice. That to me confirmed everything.
A Question From A reader reads: Believe me when I say,i have been in a non sexual relationship and I know how hard it can be. So my question is, How do u guys do it. As in dating for 8 years without sex?
The Bible says can two walk together except they agree?
Trust me when I tell you that the two of us made it happen because we both agreed to a non sexual relationship from the let go. Our convictions were personal. We were not going it for anyone but were personally convinced it was best for both of us and because God instructs same.
I think problem arises when one party isn’t up for the abstinence game while the other is or one party is doing it selfishly for the other without any genuine personal convictions.
It’s impossible for two people to agree on a thing and not achieve it. Remember the story of the tower of Babel?
The irony is that when he started asking me out, I didn’t like him. There was no iota of attraction at all. I was almost turning him down.
But I remember the words of my friend, Sandra, not real names, who told me to just talk to God about it.
My relationship with God is such that I can talk to him about anything and have conversations with him at anytime of the day. Prior to discussing it with Sandra, I didn’t want to tell God about it because I didn’t want to hear His own opinion. I think God would approve him as a potential suitor. I just felt it was not something to give serious thought to jareh!
Three months after, on his birthday 9th March, 2009 he invited me to have lunch with him in a new restaurant in town. He held my hands and expressed his sincere intentions to date me. I would say that at this point, I completely saw that he was sincere but I was scared. I didn’t like the idea of dating someone within my age bracket. He is one year older than I am, but I desired to get married to a man who is atleast three years older than me. I expressed all my associated fears and reasons for such expectation, but he reassured me that he was really sincere.
I remember the inscription he wrote on a piece of paper as we left the restaurant, reading “I LOVE YOU OMOBOLA’. These words sank into me for a very long time and so several time, I would ask him what he meant by ‘loving me’, what was his idea, what were his expectations? Would he still love me if I exposed and told him everything about me? Would he still claim to love me?
I was not under any pressure from him. He completely left me to make a choice and didn’t put me under any unusual intense pressure. I pride myself as one who is not given to intense pressure anyway, but I liked the idea that Temitope seemed different from other guys who would threaten you, pressure or manipulate you to date them. I liked it. I was not scared that he would go away or some other girl would ‘snatch’ him away.
Somehow anyway, I told God about his intentions, asking Him if I could go ahead and if indeed he had good plans for me, I got some sort of inner peace about everything. It was God’s positive response to my question. My Friend Sandra also advised that I ask him very key and direct questions. I did. I asked him about his sexual values, his church beliefs, everything I could ask him about. I had also known some answers to some these questions while we were friends.
We were 21 and 22 years respectively when we started.
How did we both break the bias? Well, I wouldn’t say we didn’t broke any bias because we did, but what we did was that we were both intentional, serious and straightup with eachother.
People knew we were dating and they also knew we were not wasting our time with eachother. They knew we were both serious. I guess that’s because neither of us were double dating or having sexual relations with eachother.
Our lecturers were skeptical on the onset because they thought it was going to affect our academics, but when we both graduated excellently well, many of them approved our relationship.
Secondly, his character helped to erase any doubts that anyone could have. My parents didn’t frown about my relationship with him at that age because they could attest to his character and person.
He tells me that my values did attract me to him. Just like him, he desired to remain sexually pure until Marriage and when he met me, it was an answer to his prayer. Beyond this, my character and attitude endeared him more to me.
I was a person working on making myself better for my generation, parents and the world at large. I was constantly improving on myself…not doing all these because I wan5bed a mate but for my own good. He saw this part of me and liked it.
Much more, he says that because I didn’t put him under any financial pressure whatsoever. Despite the fact that we started dating in Uni, it was not a time to allow him bear all my financial responsibilities.
Furthermore, I was also intentional about my life and knew what I wanted to do with it. I didn’t need a man to bring me happiness. He saw all this in me and loved what he saw.
So Omobolanle Adeyemo, tell us, you guys dated for 8 good years without sex?
No! We dated for almost eight years WITHOUT sex. It was going to be eight years on the 13th of December this year if we hadn’t gotten married.
Seems impossible/unbelievable with some, but I often say that whatever you think is impossible would never be achievable by you.
You simply can’t have what you think is impossible! It’s that simple.
So please, before I get back to the question about sex. Did you guys know it’d take up to 8 years before getting married? Was it clear it’ll take that long and what motivated to decide to go on a journey of 8 years with him?
Oh no. Neither of us thought we would date for 8years or almost. Although, there was an iota of such feelings because 1. We started dating very early. 2. We knew we hadn’t gotten a hand on our lives after school and we both knew we had to settle that aspect before getting married. Beyond the funfair of Marriage, we both knew that getting married without laying any concrete foundation was tantamount to frustrated but married life.
Many of my friends who got married before me, even though I started my relationship before them, had this so because their men were already financial stable and well settled in their careers before they even graduated. But I was dating my classmate. I well understood that Marriage wouldn’t come soon. Rather than mope and mourn, I got busy with my own life. There were just so many things I needed to do. My second degree was one. Writing a book was another. Just enjoying being single was also another. I didn’t want to get married wishing I had enjoyed my single life much longer. I explored. I saved. I spent. I took myself on vacations. I slept. I bought books. I just had fun without being accountable to anyone.
My motivation for sticking with him that long was because I had seen from the onset where he was heading. He shared his plans with me. He was not just a dreamer but one who took action steps to make his dreams a reality.
For instance, because he knew he wanted to go into core consulting, He had started searching out prospective firms that aligned with his passion and applied to them. He didn’t allow life or chances just happen to him, he made life happen for himself.
Who’d see such a man with such zeal, vision and passion to living and say your village witches are doing you?
How did you have to trust him that even if you guys weren’t having sex that he wasn’t having sex somewhere else? Because a lot of people say it’s impossible for a man to not stay without sex. He must have been getting it somewhere else..
Like I said earlier, it was never a worry to me. This was because I had already ascertained the kind of person he was. This was my first assignment because I knew that every other thing is dependent on his character and values.
You see, that’s why the character of a person is very important and the fruits he or she possesses. I often say that you can’t be rotten on the inside and not bear rotten fruits. The problem is that many people look at the stem or leaves to judge a man rather than concentrating on the fruits he breeds.
My trust for him as being intact from the moment I ascertained his person and character. Secondly, he had very godly friends. A man can also be judged by those he keeps as friends as well.
Further more, he had never given me any reason to doubt him. If for anything, it was for me to believe that he was different and he was here to stay.
He told me he was a virgin, I believed so. Time with him had proved to me that he was not a person who would say a thing and mean another. He was a person of integrity. He would never ask me for sex, neither put me in any uncompromising situation. He was also watching out for me. He wouldn’t also tempt me.
Like I said, it was easy to trust him because I had done my homework well and confirmed that his fruits were godly.
How did both of you manage sexual urges? Where there no points where you nearly lost it? And like some Nigerians contemplated yesterday, was it just no sex or was there other sexual peripherals like smooching, fingering, and the likes?
I would say that, It was really easy to curb sexual urges before I was 26, because konji hardly visited. I don’t remember if there were any visits. But as soon as I turned 26, they came in full force.
The Bible says that can two walk together except they agree?
I wouldn’t take glory for remaining sexually pure until Marriage without giving him some credits as well. Due to the our sole agreement of not defiling ourselves which we agreed on, we were about to manage through. When one person was almost sliding down the drain, the other was there to help through.
Much more, rather than actually demonstrate our sexual urges, we spoke them out often. That helped a lot because we were only free to talk about our urges but not to demonstrate it to either of us.
For instance, rather than actually kiss and smooch, we’d say things like, ‘I really feel like kissing you.’ ‘I want to have sex with you?’ ‘What does it feel to even give you a blow job sef?’ I asked him this when I read about blow jobs. Lol.
Much more, we always asked for God’s help. It was always a simple prayer of telling God to help us not to complicate our lives with premarital sex.
Yeah and No. There were no times we hardly lost it because we were also on guard. The Bible says the devil is like a roaring lion seeking whom to devour. We didn’t want to give him any chance.
Like I said earlier, when one person was weak, the other was always there to help.
Yeah! Because if you ask me if there were times I felt like removing his trousers and touching his penis? Oh yeah! At that point, we learnt to voice our urges to eachother rather than demonstrate what you actually feel. I tell him about this and he’d say, ‘Don’t worry baby. Just a little more time.’
And definitely, there were few times, he’d almost want to start smooching or rubbing my body. I am often stronger at such point. I gently caution him or and help him pull through. That’s why I say that I don’t take glory for anything. We helped eachother.
We both knew about the other sexual acts and we both understood how each of them could lead to sex. We avoided them like plagues.
Prior to this time, we had studied how sexual sin starts and we understood that once you start an act, eg, kissing, you would never get enough. The urge to dig further continues. Thus, the body begins to desire for something more. The devil is cunny and wise. He continues to lead you on until you both have completely fallen.
I also knew and understood how privileged I was to always request and have God’s help available. I knew that if I don’t know how to request for help, if I didn’t know I could request for help, I’d’ll keep failing into the same temptation over and over again. Konji would keep oppressing me and one day, I may give in.
Heaven has a 24-7 emergency hotline. Psalms 50 vs 15 states this clearly. For me, I call it my microwave prayer. When the sexual feelings were too impossible to bear, I don’t often have the time to pray long lengthy prayers or to start reciting my purity confessions. I don’t even remember to speak in tongues. Hain! In my despair, I cry out to God always in a whisper.
Similarly, the Bible reassures me that God always hears my cry for help because Jesus is sympathetic to my struggles. It always worked for me. My responsibility is to cry for help. His responsibility is to find an escape route for me.
The truth is that God is always willing to help us defeat a temptation but most times, we don’t want to be helped. We do this by thinking that we can go through it on our own. We think we know that’s best for us. We think we’ve gone too far to be helped. For instance somebody said, if you’ve been sexual active in the past, it difficult defeating a sexual temptation. But that’s not true. Jesus help isn’t only for those who haven’t being sexually active. He helps all. Regardless.
Some other times, we often feel embarrassed calling for God’s help over and over again. But the Bible reassures that God’s patience never runs out. Hence, even if it means crying out to God’s help over and over again: a hundred times in a second, God’s always eager to help us. Ask Him for the power to do the right thing and expect Him to provide it.
The problem is often that many believe that sexual urges aren’t that part of our lives were we should cry out for help. Or many of us are looking to pray lengthy prayers thinking that’s what God honors. Some other times, we think that praying to defeat sexual urges isn’t a practical step. But if you don’t expect to be helped, God can’t help to either. The Bible says, let not a double minded man think he’d receive anything from the Lord.
Tell me. How did you guys settle disputes in the relationship for that eight years. How? And was there a time you almost broke up or you just thought you were in the wrong thing?
We talked until we understood. We asked questions. We talked everything out. Just everything. We had agreed prior to this time that nothing was too big not to talk about.
Talking wasn’t easy for me o. One, I am a wordy person who does more of writing my hurts and feelings than voicing them out. He helped me talk. He’d always tell me that I could tell him anything. Two, I was often too shy to share my feelings because I felt they would make me feel stupid.
Temitope also had, still does, a best friend who was also my own friend. I call him my twin brother. During times I think myself to be silly to communicate, twin brother, was often the person I ran to when I couldn’t understand what my bobo was talking about. As you know, men and women receive the same information but interprete them differently. Thus, when there were times I just couldn’t comprehend what he was talking about, my twin brother was responsible for receiving the information from him, helping me break it down in bits in the way that I would understand the situation.
I trusted twin brother because just like my bobo, he also had good fruits. We had being friends longtime. Twin brother often told me he was caught up betw’n his best friend and his twin sister (me).
However, One day, twin brother, told to I have to learn how to talk to my bobo regardless of the misconception that I may not understand or what silly feelings I feel. In other words, he was tired of being an intermediary. Oh! That was the day I learnt how to gradually voice out my concerns.
This has helped our Marriage. We avoid third parties and communicate our concerns to eachother.
And No! We had no fundamental issues that threatened our relationship. We never broke up all through the years we dated. There were so many things we agreed on prior to starting our relationship. One of such was that, we’d never threaten or manipulate either party with a breakup. We knew we were stuck with eachother. This didn’t make either of us feel indispensable to eachother, because we also respected the fact that we both made a conscious effort to be with eachother. Neither was doing anyone of a favor!
What other part of this eight years journey will you like to touch?
Okay. I’d like to talk about Finances.
It was not difficult opening up in Marriage about our finances with neither feeling cheated, that’s because we had laid the precedence while courting.
We were completely open with eachother about our salaries and every other received income.
During our wedding, I received more cash gifts than he did. But because he had earned my trust with finances, it was not a big deal to show him everything.
I remember the first time I borrowed him a little amount of money. One, was because I hadn’t yet started to trust him with money. And two, if I could trust you with money, then you must be a really good person. What struck me was that, he returned it as at when due. When he needed much more, his integrity earned him my trust.
And when he borrows me money, it’s a loan which must be returned as well. I have learnt to say dash me money o. Lol. ??
I can’t emphasise more the need for singles to choose men and women who are people of integrity. It’s the bedrock to a happy home.
Similarly, I used to struggle with some silly stuff. He earned my trust as well with keeping my secrets safe and keeping me accountable. He’d never use such against me.
Omobolanle Adeyemo, so what will your counsel to young singles be?
To young singles.
While waiting for a mate, get busy with your life. There’s so much you can do with your life. You’re an embodiments of talents, gifts and virtues. Discover them. Explore. Have fun. Spread your wings. Fly. If you can afford a thing, buy. Go on vacations. Sleep well. Read books. Just ensure you’re enjoying and making the best use of being single.
Discover what career path you wanna thread and take action steps to achieve them. If it’s business you wanna learn, go all out. Just explore.
Life doesn’t start with having a mate. To can make your own life start now for you.
Remember that you don’t want to get married, wishing you had just enjoyed your single life a little more. It’s a phase you’ll never get back. Make the best of it.
Do not let anyone tell you that being single is a disease. Neither let any married person tell you that being Married is only what you need to succeed. Marriage would take away some single privileges, eg the freedom to do anything you want to do. Ensure you’ve enjoyed your single life to the fullest while waiting.
It worries me when I see young singles just do nothing with their lives, but only just wait for a make life happen for them. Let’s get a shift in our mentality and discover all about the amazing things of yourself you can do.
Lastly, Omobolanle Adeyemo, so ever since you got married. Lol. How has konji been?
Konji (sex) is beautiful. I like that I can play with hubby’s genitals without shame, shyness or guilt.
Secondly, I like that I can choose to have sex anyday, just anytime, without guilt. That alone awes me.
I like that anytime I am horny, I don’t have to begin to pray about such feelings anymore or start my abstinence therapy. I just take what belongs to me and have fun. Lol.
I also like that I don’t have to worry if my period doesn’t arrive as it ought to. Marriage gives all such kind of freedom.
Initially, penetration was painful but we got a hang at it, sought advise and now it’s become beautiful experience.
When penetration was still difficult, I used to think there was really nothing with sex. But having overcome that phrase, I’d say that my expectations are being met.